Frequently asked questions when dealing with Infidelity:
How can I live with this?
Why? Am I not good enough?
- How can I trust again?
Is this the end?
How could you do this to me?
- How can I live with what I've done?
- Is this quilt ever going to end?
- Am I really a terrible person?
- If I'm not happy why did I have to go this far?
These are some of the hardest questions for couples to talk about with each other. If you have agreed on monogamy then discovering someone has broken that agreement can be devastating. It can feel like the relationship has been damaged forever. "How can we possibly get through this crisis and stay together?" is usually the biggest question
Addressing these difficult feelings in counseling sessions is often a time when rage and humiliation have to be expected. Respecting your partner's feelings is the beginning of the healing process. When an affair has occured it is not uncommon for the partner who has strayed to take on the role of the "guilty" person. However, when the time is right, it is important for both partners to examine what has been unaddressed or unspoken in their relationship, perhaps for many years. At first we have to allow time for healing the intense confusion and hurt that such a crisis brings. When it feels right, each couple has to evaluate what they can expect from each other based on honesty and understanding, and not by attempting to repair things out of guilt and fear.
I will try to help you through this difficult time through support, efforts to understand difficulties in your relationship, and help give voice to some of the things you may have been carrying around for a long time, things you were afraid to talk about. Hopefully, though learning to communicate about what you each need and by learning to negotiate and compromise, you will find ways to re-establish connecitons, trust and safety. You have put a lot into forming this relationship and now see that something isn't working. It may be that you have to take the extra step of examining it with an experienced counselor.